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“It will not make us better people to judge the faults of another.”
– Basic Text, page 37
One of the easiest habits to fall into is judging others. In recovery, we often find ourselves pointing out the defects we see in our fellow members, our friends, and even our family. But what we may not realize is that the very traits we criticize in others are often reflections of the defects we dislike most in ourselves. By recognizing this, we can turn moments of judgment into opportunities for self-reflection and growth, helping us move further along the path of recovery.
It’s human nature to focus on what’s wrong with those around us. We may notice a friend’s impulsive behavior, a family member’s lack of discipline, or a fellow member’s emotional outbursts. But often, the reason we’re so quick to recognize these faults in others is that we’re intimately familiar with them in ourselves.
For example, we might judge someone for their compulsive spending habits, only to realize that we, too, struggle with overspending. Or, we might criticize someone for neglecting their personal relationships in favor of service work, only to recognize that we’ve done the same, prioritizing commitments over spending time with loved ones.
This phenomenon is sometimes called “the mirror effect.” The things we judge most harshly in others are often a reflection of our own unresolved issues. While it can be uncomfortable to admit, these judgments provide us with valuable insights into our own character defects.
Instead of allowing our judgments to create distance or resentment, we can use them as opportunities for self-reflection. When we feel the urge to criticize someone else, it’s a chance to look inward and ask ourselves, Is this something I struggle with, too? By redirecting our focus from others’ flaws to our own, we can gain a clearer understanding of the areas where we still need to grow.
This process of self-reflection is central to the recovery journey. The Twelve Steps encourage us to examine our character defects and take responsibility for our actions. By looking within, we become more aware of the patterns and behaviors that are holding us back from becoming the best versions of ourselves.
When we recognize our own defects, we’re not only better equipped to address them, but we also develop greater empathy and compassion for others. We begin to see that everyone is working through their own challenges, just as we are. This understanding helps us cultivate patience and kindness toward others, even when they exhibit behaviors that we find frustrating or difficult to accept.
Humility plays a significant role in this process. In recovery, we learn that we are not better or worse than anyone else—we are all human, each with our own strengths and weaknesses. Recognizing this truth allows us to approach others with humility, rather than judgment or superiority.
When we embrace humility, we accept that we, too, are imperfect. We stop holding ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection, and in turn, we stop expecting perfection from others. This shift in perspective helps us stay grounded in recovery and prevents us from getting caught up in the habit of judgment.
Humility also allows us to accept feedback from others. Just as we see our defects reflected in others, others may see our flaws more clearly than we do. By being open to feedback from our sponsor, friends, and fellow members, we gain valuable insights that help us continue growing and healing.
By using the judgments we make about others as a tool for self-awareness, we strengthen our recovery. Each time we recognize a flaw in someone else, we have an opportunity to reflect on our own behavior and ask ourselves if we’re guilty of the same thing. This level of self-awareness helps us stay honest and accountable in our recovery journey.
The Fourth and Tenth Steps in Narcotics Anonymous are particularly helpful in this process. The Fourth Step asks us to take a fearless and moral inventory of ourselves, while the Tenth Step encourages us to continue taking personal inventory on a daily basis. Both steps promote self-reflection and honesty, helping us to identify and address our character defects as they arise.
When we practice these steps regularly, we become more attuned to our own behavior. We learn to recognize our defects before they cause harm, and we take action to address them. This ongoing self-awareness keeps us moving forward in recovery and helps us avoid falling into old patterns of behavior.
In recovery, we learn that judging others doesn’t make us better people. It doesn’t improve our recovery, and it doesn’t help us grow emotionally or spiritually. In fact, judgment often leads to resentment, which can become a barrier to our own progress.
Instead of judging others, we can choose to approach them with compassion and understanding. We can remind ourselves that everyone is on their own journey, and that just like us, they are doing the best they can with the tools they have. By extending grace to others, we create a more supportive and loving environment—both for ourselves and for those around us.
When we shift from judgment to compassion, we also create space for deeper connections with others. We stop focusing on their faults and start appreciating their humanity. This shift not only strengthens our relationships but also helps us cultivate a sense of peace and acceptance in our own lives.