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“Projections about actually making amends can be a major obstacle both in making the list and in becoming willing.”
– Basic Text, page 38
Making amends is a critical part of recovery, but it can be one of the most emotionally challenging steps to undertake. As we approach the Eighth and Ninth Steps, it’s natural to wonder how our amends will be received. Will we be forgiven? Will the other person acknowledge their role in the harm caused? These questions can create anxiety and hesitation. However, to experience the spiritual growth these steps offer, we must release our expectations and focus on the process, not the outcome.
The Eighth Step asks us to become willing to make amends to all the people we have harmed. This willingness is about accountability and healing—not about controlling how others respond to our efforts. The Ninth Step, where we actually make our amends, is an action rooted in humility and sincerity. Its purpose is to take responsibility for our past actions and to do our part in repairing the harm we’ve caused.
When we approach these steps with the expectation of forgiveness or a particular reaction, we shift the focus away from the spiritual principles that guide us. The process of making amends is about clearing our side of the street, regardless of how others respond. It’s about freeing ourselves from the guilt and shame of the past so we can move forward in recovery.
Expectations can become a significant barrier in making amends. We may find ourselves projecting how others will react, hoping for forgiveness or fearing rejection. These projections can make us hesitant to take the necessary steps or overly focused on the outcome rather than the action itself.
To let go of expectations, we must remind ourselves that the goal of making amends is not to control the other person’s response but to take responsibility for our actions. Whether or not we are forgiven is outside of our control. What we can control is our willingness to approach the process with honesty, humility, and an open heart.
Releasing expectations also means accepting that not everyone will respond positively. Some may not forgive us, and others may not even acknowledge our effort. While this can be painful, it’s important to remember that the spiritual benefits of making amends are not dependent on how others react. By taking responsibility, we gain self-respect, clarity, and the ability to move forward without carrying the weight of unresolved guilt.
One of the most profound outcomes of the Eighth and Ninth Steps is learning to forgive ourselves. As we make amends, we acknowledge our humanity and recognize that while we cannot change the past, we are committed to living differently in the present and future. This commitment to growth and accountability is a powerful act of self-love.
By forgiving ourselves, we release the burden of shame that often accompanies unresolved harm. This allows us to engage more fully in life and relationships, free from the fear and self-judgment that held us back. In forgiving ourselves, we also develop empathy and compassion for others, strengthening our recovery.
The process of making amends involves careful planning and a sincere willingness to repair the harm we’ve caused. This planning includes identifying the harm done, understanding the impact of our actions, and deciding how to approach the person we’ve harmed. However, it’s crucial to recognize that while we can plan our amends, we cannot control the outcome.
When preparing to make amends, it can be helpful to work closely with a sponsor or trusted member of the fellowship. They can offer guidance on how to approach each situation and provide support in letting go of expectations. By focusing on the process and not the results, we stay grounded in the spiritual principles of the program.
Making amends is a powerful step toward freeing ourselves from the burdens of the past. When we take responsibility for our actions and approach the process with humility, we experience a sense of liberation and peace. Regardless of how others respond, we know that we have done our part to make things right.
Through this process, we also learn to trust in our Higher Power. We recognize that while we cannot control how others feel or act, we can rely on our Higher Power for the strength and courage to do the next right thing. This trust allows us to move forward with confidence, knowing that we are living in alignment with our recovery principles.